Chapter 4 - The Boys with no Balls

I had to schedule the meeting for mid afternoon. The guys were not very happy about it. I suppose they had something better to do. I could hardly think what... They were both married???? I had to drop my best friend off at the Vet's Office. Vinyard, my lab was a very, very sweet and lovable lab... Now. He was for a while worst than Marley who has been claimed in the New York Times as the world's worst dog. He is two and was given to me by a wonderfully cool woman at a time where my life was very tumultuous. I had made the decision not to go back to LA and was living on my friends' sofa in Asheville, NC in hopes of some kind of miracle or break. My esteem, finances, and outlook on my life were very grim. I have travelled a lot and spent everything going from one place to the other. Then Vinyard comes along and gave me something to take my mind off the hole I was slowly digging. He did just that. He chewed a door off its henges, pulled a whole floor's carpet up, dug a whole through two mattresses and boxsprings of mine. Let's not forget the backseat of a brand new Maxima of my neighbors. He had also fallen out of a second story window, eaten Anti-Freeze and witnessed an actual murder of a woman. This is all in two years. Even after all that, I would not trade him for the Playboy Mansion. Now the destruction only comes in spurts where he destroys everything he sees. Most of it was little replaceable things here and there. My only concern with my little buddy was that he was the clumiest sunuvabitch I had ever seen and it didn't help that he was 120 pounds and would always get over excited with even a slight pat to his ass. His spills would knock over tables, shake the light out of the ceiling and rattle my pens off the desk. I feel his excitement is my fault. He lately has not recieved the attention nor excerise I was able to give him in the past. Unfortunately, I was the only one who could handle him on a leash because of his behavior so he didn't help the situation at all.

OK, so Payton, (my little angel,) was coming in a little under three weeks and I had become worried big Vinny maybe too much for her. Not saying he would ever hurt her. In fact, he was a very protective dog and that would only carry on to her when it was time. I mean he was as gentle as a butterfly when HE WAS CALM. My human best friend had a lab as well who greatly resembled Vinny's behavior. Three days before going to the hospital to induce labor for my goddaughter to arrive, he had made the hard decision to cut his dog's nuts off. The cahoneys had to go...

I had always and will always be against neutering full bred dogs. Vinny had begun to chew up things again, including my unborn daughter's stuff and had gotten excited on a walk and pulled me and himself into an electrical fence with enough volts to fend off cows. I had grown tired and gave into the advice my friend had given to take another approach.

The decision had not come easy. In fact, I had pulled him out of the surgery room at the last minute the first time I took him in. The second time, I walked in, handed his leash to the Vet's Assistant and beelined for the door, trying to not give myself a chance to pull out. I got into my car... Stopped... Got out of my car and finally fought myself to drive the car out into traffic sticking to my decision. All the way to the office I was nearly in tears....Sad that I had become so emotional over a freakin' dog.

I arrived at the office. I was completely detached when I grabbed my pen and wrote on an index card, "we will go with Option B," and showed it to Cutter and Wade. At first nobody said a word. OK, about five minutes had gone by when, "You know, I think we had always known that this was the way to go," Wade replied. "Yeah, " I mumbled. "Baby steps." "We're three country kids that just so happen to be intelligent despite what other people might think. We'll make it happen, regardless," Cutter said. And he was right. We had a plan. The plan was good and profitable whether it be big or small. I hated to lose that dream of having all the Stars come to my hometown and just to say, "Yeah, I did that." All egos aside, we would make more money off the Amateur route on this production and I should really accept the defeat and turn this negative into a positive. "Well, take down the Gauge Countdown. Damn," Wade said making his way to the counter. I paused for a moment. Wade and Cutter grabbed both sides of the sign. "Wait," I stopped
them. "Leave it up." They looked at me almost feeling bad that I would not part with it. "I'm gonna' call her anyway... See how much she would want to do it," I replied. They looked at me like I was crazy. "I gotta' go get my ballless wonder," I mumbled as I walked away. I looked back. They were still looking at me. "Ol, c'mon guys. It couldn't hurt. She's not gonna' black ball us for asking... The worst she could do is hang up on me."

I left the office.

I couldn't help but think about our decision, (or should I say my decision,) to aim lower on this first project, as I strolled through the Vet's office parking lot. I had almost forgotten what I was there for, but as they brought my dog to the lobby I knew I had made a mistake. He look pitiful and was stumbling around from the Narcotics they injected into him to perform the surgery. He looked like Jack Nicholson, after the labotomy they gave
him at the end of "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest." As I paid the vet. He rested his head on my shoe. Drool began seeping through to my sock. He had been so loyal and this was how I repaid him... Then I thought about my decision on the Porn Film and nearly broke down in tears again.

Great, I have no balls at all.... And now he doesn't either.

Chapter 3 - James Cameron and a Swollen Chin

I sat in my pajamas from Saturday until Monday morning. They were warm and comfortable flannels even with my german helmet protruding from the crotch everytime I stood up straight.  Thank God for the booze I consumed over the  entire weekend for it kept me hunched over just enough not to show it off. I wasn't trying to draw pity. I wasn't doing it because I had watched "Leaving Las Vegas" the night prior to the pajama incident. I had heard a cool story that had stuck with me for years and I had  never really had any reason to try it myself . Until now...

The story goes like this: When James Cameron was editing Titanic he had easily spliced together his six hour opus in record time. His vision had been so precise to what he had captured that  he could play every moment out in his head before he even touched the editing bay. Then when it was time to piece together something as simple as the opening credits, he lost it... He and his editors could not come up with a powerful opening for the film. They sat for a week trying different things and just could not come up with anything that he felt was "perfect."  After two weeks he had become completely frustrated. That Friday night, the editing team had left early and James sat.... And sat. He ran to the local liquor store and picked up a fifth of my favorite, Jose Cuervo. He went back to editing room and began doing shots, watching footage, trying to let out a little steam.  The next morning, his producers and assistant editors entered the office to find James passed out in his chair. The bottle nearly empty and the playhead at the end of a clip. The producer noticed it and started the  clip.... It was the opening credits Cameron had drunkingly cut together. Cameron had to be woken up, where his producers gave him an ovation. Cameron had no idea that he had even cut the clip. It was the one that made the final cut and he had no idea he had even done it.

OK, so now that the story has been told... I thought drinking myself into a stupor would allow me to figure out what the hell I was going to do  about my movie. By Sunday, I didn't know my name let alone have any idea what the hell I was going to do. This drinking myself into problem solving mode had been a complete waste of time.  Monday, I was showering.... Cleaning the funk off. I began shaving and realized that my double chin had gotten a little bigger... I tried to smash it back in and hope that it stayed, but it came right back... My chin had gotten bigger, overnight and I really had no control over it apparently... I had been  working out at the gym and watching what I had been eating for over three months now... All that just to prevent the chin swelling I was disgustingly looking at this second.
Then the 'James Cameron' moment came.... I want say that I blacked out and when I woke up we were watching the finished product of our porn.... Actually the very opposite. I had just come to the realization that my "Option A" plan for the XXX film would never in a million years work.  Just like my chin, all the preparation and prevent tactics in the world would not help... My dream of importing Gauge and other talents was exactly what I said it was... A dream. This was my first movie without Los Angeles, without Zak Wylde and without the normal $15,000 budget. I should aim lower.... That's it, call a meeting.