Saturday, April 10, 2010

A Moment of Reflection

The house is quiet. It’s been another good day with my children. This week I incorporated some tougher rules and they welcomed them with small open arms. In return I gave them their birthday presents early. Don’t let me fool you. It was me that could not wait to give the presents to them.

We’re resting now before leaving. My car keys in my hand. We’re watching a scene from “Cloudy with A Chance of Meatballs.” It’s the forty fifth time I’ve seen it and somehow am not tired of it. Maybe my subconscious tolerates it because the kids love it so much. They pay no attention to me who can’t stop looking at them.

I reflect on a life that has not been wasted even during the years of waste. I reflect on a life of disappointment and fulfillment. The two probably fairly equal if I closed my eyes today. Many of my disappointments vindicated some how by the chain of life, karma, fate, growth, whatever. Maybe it is my refusal to ever settle or my obsessive quest of redemption for all the wrongs I caused many people during my adolescents that keep me working so hard to do all the right things. Something keeps me driven and it’s a drive so powerful it overwhelms me into reclusiveness and obsessive compulsive behavior at some points. I snap out of that reflection as my daughter turns to me and says, “Dad but when you go, I will miss you.” I reply with the obvious, “I’ll always be there right next to you even when I’m not.” She smiles, not fully understanding, turning back to the TV.

I clutch my car keys and stop myself from standing. I realize my statement was wrong. It is them that will always be next to ME. They are the ones that drive my force, correct my wrongs, inspire me to achieve greatness. It is them I find a way to redeem everything I’ve done wrong. It is them that is my universe.

They turn and smile at me as Steve, the monkey, puts his hands up and yells, “yellow” with mustard on his palms. They love that part. River turns back quicker to the television than Payton. Payton knows these are our final moments together before Dad has to go do his thing. She gives me a wink of approval, she’s not worried. She’s a happy kid. Maybe she knows already that she has one of the few parents in the world that is actually living the dream. She has one of the few parents that gets up every morning excited about going to work. Maybe she knows how lucky I am and is happy for me somehow. I wipe a single tear from my eye and grab their bags. I’m leaving for my next job in Florida for National Geographic and will not see them again until their birthday party the following week. It is OK. They know where Dad’s going and they know why he has to go. Or maybe they don’t bat an eye because unlike him, they are certain they will be right next to him the whole week as he trudges around with the horses, wipes hand size mosquitos off his camera lens and while they sleep, dreaming of another fun filled day, their father will be in a dark room full of LCD monitors, Waveforms, RGB levels, on his sixth Red Bull editing and will love every moment of it because it is them that drives him to live this life. He won’t miss them because like them, he knows he had not up until that moment wasted one minute with them when they were all together and had plenty of credit left.

I snap out of it, “Let’s go Ding Dongs.” Meatballs has ended. They are excited about going to their mother’s and their father is excited that he gets these moments everyday they are in his life to reflect just how well he’s doing because of them. We exit the house. In seven hours I’ll be a 1000 miles away from them and I’m OK with it because they are the reason I’ll be there.

Posted via email from Diary of A Shoot Stuff Guy

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