So here is my assessment of the ever "overhyped" SXSW film festival. Pretention runs amuck even worse than the other Geek/Pretention Circle Jerk in Utah. This festival has to be, (and this an honest opinion from a guy with all access, not a disgruntled dude who hasn't blown anybody therefore has not been able to do anything,) the biggest cluster duck I have ever had the misfortune of being crewed for. There is no access to anything..... Even the poor naive peeps who pay $1250 for what they call the "Platinum Badge," that well, gives them absolutely nothing but a lanyard get nothing but a slim chance to see something maybe cool.
In order to see a film, even with full access you have to get in line at least 2 hours in advance which kinda' sucks considering you are missing the countless 20 minute "panels," IPAD 2 giveaways at the trade shows and the buffet line that is completely impromptu'd at the Microsoft Booth. The week is jammed packed with a bunch of great stuff you will never see and while your recent purchase of your faggedy ass IPAD 2 at the Apple Store on Congress pre-installed with your bloated interactive SXSW schedule, may help kick you in the face showing you that you've missed a great band that is playing this minute in a bar that is a 30 minute walk away, it gives you nothing but an impossible curriculum to a damn near impossible festival that only has one certainty.... It ends on Thursday at 6pm sharp and YOU will head back to the Austin Airport unfulfilled and $7000 poorer than you were. (You should have gone to Vegas. You may have had a better chance there.)
But no worries.... It will give you an excuse to get rid of those pretentious Chuck Taylors you bought just to look cool at the show because you will have to have some room in your suitcase for all the un eco friendly brochures and magazines about nothing you collected or better yet, the plastic footballs, usb sticks, and stupid little green cubes you can do nothing with and will be trashed once you get home and realize you have just been takened for a whole lot of money that you could have just bought the technology these AHOLES just spent whacking your ears off about.
Tweets mean shit people.... Nobody cares... I thought it was cool too for about 5 hours.... Then I realized I'm nobody.... I'm a nobody who paid $3 for a bottled water, $50 for a steak, and couldn't even get a schedule being a camera geek paid to shoot the "events," of SXSW? Events? What events? I missed them all running around trying to catch one of them. You can tweet "@SXSW" all you want, it doesn't give you access to the movies, music or anything else. It gives you nothing but the idea that you are connecting with a bunch of other "people like you," and you are right. You are connecting with people like you..... The lost souls like me that think that "tweeting" is some form of being cool or "being in." Newsflash..... Gotten you no where but made the people behind SXSW fucking millionaires. Like a Fan Page of some new hosting server and get some discount you're never gonna' use. Get on that email list so you can get SPAMMED some more in one of your seven email address accounts. I especially like the ones who call themselves "CREATIVE DIRECTORS" or better yet, "CEOS" yet their email address is "fiascoproductions@gmail.com." You are a CEO and have no dedicated email.... ? Ol, wait, you don't even have a site for your so called business, yet you do have a great business card that you are putting in a jar to win a free Tshirt? You tweet about some business so you could get a Dos Equis and think you are cool.... ? This my friends IS "being cool." This my friends is being one of the "lucky ones" at a "film festival." .... Seriously, no thanks. Call me Charlie Sheen as I bite the hand that feeds me but all this week is is a money pit for people who think they are a "part of something." You aren't. You are a nobody.
Just like me. You are the dumb ass behind me in the line who's getting ready to be told you don't have the "pink pass," therefore cannot enter. You are the guy who too will be forced to spend ten dollars on a grilled cheese and soda. You too are the guy who will run your phone battery out tweeting about meeting Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows like me and realize it didn't make a crap box difference to anybody.... But then in two weeks when the aura is gone you'll spend two weeks unsubscribing to all those companies and movies that promised you Ipad giveaways, backpacks and God knows what else and you will also realize that you are no closer financially to buying anything that you saw there...
But you'll be able to talk about what you saw and act like somebody cool talking about "the new gear you've seen and used".... And I guess that to you will be priceless.... To me.... Means nothing as does the technology.... Because if you don't know how to use it, it all means "nothing," just like this festival, my small to nil paycheck and the aura of trying to be cool does.
Retweet this useless tirade: @SUXSW using the hash tags #gonad #tweetdick #facedoushe
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